I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
