hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
