my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
