I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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