Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
