Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
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I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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