So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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