FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
