Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
