My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
my poor anus
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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