i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I made him laugh his dick is mine
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
