What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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