She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
