i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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