didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.