3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
that's an acceptable place to lick
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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