he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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