I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
