I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
