Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
are you so shy because you have an std?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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