you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
