This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
