there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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