Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
