How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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