I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize