I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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