why do cheetos always look like penises
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
