How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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