I'm lost and stupid without you.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
