Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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