i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
