Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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