i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he was CRYING into my vagina
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
