i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
