mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
