he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
