I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
