Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
