I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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