I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
