that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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