I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
