I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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