Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
