i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
