i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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