rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
