sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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