dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
