My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
