I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
