ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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