You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I didn't notice because vodka
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
