its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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