I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
So vagazzling was a success
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
