it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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